I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
