It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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