I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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