Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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