I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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