I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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