Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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