someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
