She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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