My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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