you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
