I think im going to throw up on grandma
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
