see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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