I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
