If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
It was confusing and full of hummus
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
