So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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