Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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