He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
