You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
