I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
