I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
