I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
