I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
