Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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