Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
