I wish I could teleport
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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