He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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