Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
