Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
