found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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