She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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