Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
