I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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