woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
