I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
