i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You left your phone here
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