a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
