I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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