Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
