i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
