But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
