How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
