I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize