I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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