What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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