if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize