just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
