Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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