she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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