bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize