My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
