I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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