I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
