i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
