I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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