I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
