My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
