You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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