Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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